Your best sex days lie ahead because as you grow older, the way you think about yourself, about the world and about sex, changes. This change comes because of life experience and the natural confidence that comes with it.
As we age, we become somewhat wiser and more confident. We become more appreciative of the good things in our lives. We stop sweating the small stuff as much. We become more appreciative of our health and more accepting of our bodies and what they have to offer. We become more accepting of ourselves, just as we are. We become less fearful of judgment and rejection, and we stop trying to change.
How many times have you heard someone say, “Now that I am 40-50-60, I don’t care about what other people think”? Well, that translates into being better able to relax and just be more present in life. Less in your head. And that is when good sex starts to happen!
You don’t freak out about being naked as much. You know this is the body you were granted. You’ve had enough disagreements and arguments with your partner and enough makeups that you don’t feel as threatened or worried that they won’t stick around if you speak your mind. You have more courage to be honest and say “no” when you are not up for something and that makes a “yes” so much more meaningful and truer!
Why wait until you are older to start enjoying and appreciating who you are? Why wait until you are older to start feeling good about yourself and your worthiness and how deserving you are of sexual pleasure? You can wait for that change to happen later in your life, naturally, but I want to invite you to do something about that now.
Why not change the way you think about yourself in your intimate relationship now? Why not start believing that you are desirable, lovable, and worthy just the way you are now? Why not start prioritizing and believing your needs are equally important as everyone else's, instead of putting everyone else’s needs before yours?
Where to start?
Follow this process to increase your self-esteem:
Evaluate your relationship with yourself and identify areas of growth for you. Do you indulge in self-pity and self-blame? Believe it or not, that’s how your survival brain tricks you into avoiding the discomfort of trying to do something new, difficult or uncomfortable. Shame and self-pity require NO EFFORT and even though they feel bad, your survival brain thinks that it's "safer" than trying something that includes any risk of failing. As a result, you play small and continue to feel scared and powerless.
Learn how to allow and process feelings. Being able to process negative emotions like doubt and fear is very useful and very necessary if you want to have a fulfilling life. It allows you to be confident and take action even though your brain is telling you “you should stay in the cave, that's where it's safe”. It allows you to take some “risks” and not make the outcome determine your value as a person. After all, the worst thing that can happen is having a negative feeling... but if you know how to pull through that, there is nothing to worry about.
How many times have you not done something out of fear of rejection or failure? Have you ever seen someone take risks, not do something perfectly or even make a fool out of themselves and think “I wish I had that confidence”! Yeah, that’s right. Because self-confidence is not about doing things perfectly. It's about having the courage to be imperfect.
Learn to trust yourself. You can do tough things. You are not going to want to do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable because that's how the human brain works, but if you have a compelling enough reason, you can do it. Self-trust is about being willing to feel some negative feelings in the process of doing something beneficial to you and knowing you will be OK no matter what the outcome is, because you will not attach your value as a person to that outcome.
Those are the ingredients for more self-confidence and better sex. Being willing to feel any emotion, being able to trust yourself and that you will do what you said you were going to do, even if it makes you uncomfortable, and maintaining a high opinion of yourself, regardless of the outcome.
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Eleni Economides, LMFT, CST
Eleni is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist and a Certified Life Coach, and she works with women who want to improve their relationship with sex, and change negative and limiting beliefs about sex that lead to low sexual desire, lack of sexual pleasure, guilt and shame, and anxiety around sex.
Her clients transform into women who are vibrant and confident, emotionally safe and connected to their partner, and able to have pleasurable and satisfying sexual experiences.